When I was in 5th grade, I had been crushing on this kid for a few years. We were instructed to write a creative story and boy did I. I only recently learned what limerence is and looking back, it’s clear that’s what was going on. But that’s a subject for another day.

Not only were we to write these stories, but we were to read them in front of the class. Come to think of it, it may have been a partnered project. If not, I still incorporated my friend at the time and her class crush as well. 👀

I don’t remember all of the specifics, but I know it was a double love story. I stood in front of the class and read this story in front of our crushes and the rest of the class. I can remember laughing to tears from my own embarrassment as I read it.

I’ve been thinking about that moment a lot lately, in regard to my fears of being perceived, social media and overall anxiety. I know I didn’t walk up there with confidence. I certainly didn’t feel confident while reading it or even after.

But I read it.

And I continued doing “silly” things and thinking “sideways” for a while. When high school came to an end, I had been shamed in nearly every way imaginable. I had been told my beliefs were wrong. I had been told my behaviors were wrong. My style was wrong. I started to believe I was wrong.

And I wanted to be right. So I started playing the part. I listened to the right music. I believed in the right God. I dated the right person. I kept the right friends. I molded myself to fit in with the majority of which I was surrounded.

I did the “right” things so it should have been right, but it wasn’t. I still cried myself to sleep at night, worried about my fate. I felt a tug of guilt and shame with every off-putting comment from these “right” friends. I never felt more wrong than I did in the life I created for myself.

So what does that have to do with anything?

I clearly have no issue sharing my body. Physically or just visually. It’s rather apparent I let my freak flag fly over here. Even with that, I’ve only recently become more vulnerable in my writings. But I’m downright TERRIFIED of expressing ANY part of myself outside of this website. My heart races and I lose my breath. Every. Time.

I don’t want to put myself out there. I’m selectively vulnerable because people suck but also because I created a life that wasn’t fit for me. I surrounded myself with people I don’t align with. And that makes me scared of being rejected, and scared of being abandoned.

But I’m more scared of rejecting and abandoning myself. I’ve already been through so much hurt at the hands of others and myself. I don’t deserve any more self-inflicted pain. I deserve to reclaim my space in this world.

So I’m vowing to post more as me. To the crowd I’ve surrounded myself with so that I might reach the crowd I’m meant for. Besides, most people can probably relate more than I think. They’re just too scared to admit it. 😛

Mother nature makes no apologies when reclaiming the space that was taken from her. She grows around it, through it, under it and over it. It may take months, it may take years, but she recovers unapologetically. Always.

<3