This is all new to me. I’ve never been unattached. When I say unattached, I include pursuits of attachment as attachment. The six months I was single and sleeping away feelings does not count as unattachment. Sitting in it and letting it be what it is, is incredibly uncomfortable. I would much rather be stumbling around it and hunting down my next fix. I have to constantly remind myself that path kept leading me to the same destination.
With that being said, I don’t know what’s appropriate when it comes to moving on. I usually just got over by getting under. Not just under but completely submerged in a new reality that revolved around a new person. If you google how long it takes to get over someone, you’re left with 3.5 months to 1.5 years. I could try and intellectualize my decisions and set a time limit on myself, but where is the trust in that?
If I can’t trust myself to maintain awareness and make conscious choices moving forward, then what am I doing? I have to learn to live alongside my addictions. As I did with food. As I do with social media. Unfortunately, some of the drugs I crave most are the ones humans need, not just to survive, but to thrive. Love and sex are two of the most powerful social connections afforded to humans. Without those, we would be very sad little creatures.
Probably not as sad as I am right now. But definitely sad.
My hypersexuality will always be a part of me. It plays far too large a role just to be placed in early retirement. But it doesn’t have to BE me. It’s an incredibly special part that deserves to be appreciated and acknowledged, but it should not dictate my everyday life. Its maturity level is not set up for that type of responsibility. I have to maintain a sense of authority over this part of me.
No, we should not meet this random person. No we cannot hook up with them. No, we should not lay in bed for another hour.
Imagine a kid that wants you to play with them. When you do, they create audacious, unrealistic story lines the entire time. But instead of coming back to reality once playtime is over, they still think the chicken married the corvette and they had table babies. It seems so fun and carefree in the moment but it doesn’t integrate into reality very well. And it looks absolutely unhinged to the people that weren’t there.
You don’t want the kid to stop using their imagination. Imagination is a powerful asset in many ways. It’s great for problem-solving, personal growth and emotional resilience. What you don’t want to happen, though, is for the kid to become lost in imagination. For them to spend so much time in the alternate reality that their current one becomes tainted or distorted.
One might say our current reality is quite tainted and distorted. I might say the grass is greener where you water it. If the reflection of your current reality is uncomfortable, good. That means something can still be done and you already have the most powerful motivator: discomfort.
The way I taint and distort my reality is by expecting these hypersexual and love addicted fantasies to integrate. It made me feel stuck for a minute. How can I be who I truly am if I do not integrate all my parts? I can‘t leave this piece of me out of the equation, it’s much too important. Especially for my healing. But what I’m starting to believe now is that integration doesn’t mean what I thought it meant.
Integration doesn‘t mean I have to trim and edit all these parts to fit them into a single box. Integration means being able to appreciate and acknowledge the importance of each individual piece. Learning to let them co-exist. It means determining the strengths of each and applying them in the appropriate ways.
My creativity is linked heavily to my hypersexuality and love addicted parts. And they’re abundantly fed by fears of being rejected and abandoned. Isn’t that the perfect muse? That’s why I’m leaning into my writing now. I’m trying to make use of this energy in a different way this time. I want adult actions instead of childish reactions. I want to cultivate the love I was constantly seeking because I don’t think I’m going to be finding it elsewhere. 😜
<3