I have to be careful with every decision. Sometimes I wonder if these words I write are an actual awareness I’m willing to act on or if it’s just creative expression. My therapist called me out for gaslighting myself a few weeks ago. Maybe this is one of those instances. It’s not that I don’t see my responsibility, I even tried it on. I put all the responsibility on myself to see how it fit, and it didn’t. There’s always going to be responsibility on both sides.  

I don’t even want to place blame. What does that accomplish, to point fingers and say, “YOU created an issue”? Is that supposed to make someone feel better? Because it doesn’t make me feel better. Honestly, it hurts less to acknowledge my part than to imagine someone I loved hurt me on purpose. That doesn‘t stop me from wishing I could do that though. I wish I could make villains out of everyone I‘ve felt hurt by. Unfortunately, I seem to be dead set on seeing the good. 

But I’ve once again been shoved into a new reality. Where the people that impacted me so much do not exist past their voices echoing in my head. And I think about how some people are here for seasons. Thank God for seasons. If not for seasons, there would be no new growth. I heard someone say the other day that the purpose of healing isn’t to reach some utopia where there are no more challenges. The purpose is to get better at facing challenges.  

So, I may not be sleeping, I may not be eating, but, for once, I’m not numbing. I’m using the time to feel and express myself. I’m doing what I haven’t done before. And it’s not easy. I have to be careful with every decision. I have to monitor my motivations. I have to practice honesty with myself and others. Because I’m not going back to the old. I’m finally more afraid of holding things in than letting them out.  

<3