There are no villains in my story. There are, however, a lot of victims. Bad people didn’t do bad things to me. But bad things did happen to me, often by the direct hand of another.

Bear with me, I promise I’m not contradicting myself.

The bad things I experienced didn’t come from perfect people because they don’t exist either. They came by the hands of people that experienced similar at another point in time. People that hurt in the same ways I hurt. Behaviors and actions do not determine the amount of good or bad someone is. But they do have a story to tell if you listen.

I have to believe in the idea that there are no bad people or parts. I have to believe in it because if I don’t, I’ll be a villain in my own story. None of us are above causing harm. No matter how good you claim to be, how hard you work on yourself, or how much you pray. Even the kindest people, the ones that “want the best for you” can inflict harm. It’s not our intention to do so. At least not our conscious intention.

I’m finding there is a part of me that is a little less kind. That is a little more conniving and, my goodness, is it stealthy. The intention with this part IS to inflict harm. On their abuser and anyone that appears similarly. They want revenge. They’ve referred to themself as a “vengeful martyr.”

Let’s all laugh at the accuracy of that name.

It’s the part that says the nasty thing to you when my feelings are hurt. It’s the part that’s cheated and lied. But it’s also the part to say yes only to hold a passive resentment. The part that gives you the silent treatment. It ghosts you. It’s the part that pushes everyone away.

What seems like justice and protection to this part appears as self-destruction and abuse to those in my current reality. Whether it’s a bold lashing out to the original perpetrators or just holding quiet contempt for others we find similar, it’s a slippery slope. That part is no longer qualified to be the judge and jury of anyone. But there’s a lot of anger there. And even more fear. So now I get to learn how to release that anger and ease the fear.

Let’s not confuse any of this with letting people off the hook. People are still responsible for the harm they cause. In a sense, this is letting me take responsibility for some of the harm I’ve caused. If I can build a connection with this vengeful martyr and provide it with the validation it needs, I’m sure we’ll find less contempt and be able to offer more compassion.

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